How to Love Again – With No Fear

Someone once asked me:

How on earth were you not fearful of dating again, after your divorce?

A few reasons:

1. I valued the experience of marriage. 

Marriage was the birthplace of so much growth and change for me. I know growth and change can come from ANY of our life experiences. So I actually don’t want to glorify marriage, because I learned even more from my divorce and from being single! But I began to realize that every relationship that came my way could lead to becoming a better person – even relationships that didn’t work out. So I wasn’t afraid of dating, marriage…or divorce.

2. My life’s purpose switched from “needing a happy marriage” to just wanting to choose love as much as I could. 

No longer did I neeeeeed a partner. I knew it would be an amazing experience to have one. But I didn’t want it to be a necessity for me fulfilling my life’s purpose. Whenever we make a relationship a necessity in our lives….mmmm, well….welcome to dysfunction. 🙂 It will happen every time.

3. I valued my life & what I had to offer. 

Instead of feeling like a complete failure or idiot for being divorced and infertile, I focused my thoughts more on what I had to offer. I figured that a lot of people out there hadn’t yet had their feet to the fire…and who knows how they would react if some challenge came their way in marriage (not that this is a horrible thing – we all have to learn somehow). But I knew I had been through enough challenges that I was getting better at it! No novice here! I was confident in my ability to be a better partner. So I held my head high with confidence, no shame.


Hoping ALL of you can be fearless while single and be fearless even if you have a pending divorce.  You’ve got this!!!! And remember to focus on everything that you have to offer, even if some of that experience and wisdom came from a relationship that didn’t work out.



(Photo from one of our very first real life dates! 🙂 We were in Boston. And we had just finished devouring some canollis from Mike’s Pastry in the North End. I’ve been craving them ever since.)

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  1. Ruth August 30, 2016 at 1:24 pm - Reply

    Getting divorced for me was easier than being married to my ex husband. It had been such a long time in coming for me. I found an article yesterday that explained me almost exactly. Even after being married for over three and half years to my husband now, I think it is harder than being divorced. Because I struggle so much with trust and knowing that things really are as they seem. Here is the link to the article:

  2. Elizabeth Rebecca August 31, 2016 at 9:41 pm - Reply

    Love your first point – I guess it gives you a whole new level of understanding of what marriage actually is.

    • mara August 31, 2016 at 9:48 pm - Reply

      yep – that first one was a major game changer for me. Too often, people view marriage as a thing that is supposed to fulfill them in every way, make them feel secure, bring them wholeness, etc. I just think that puts SO much pressure on it (and it will sabotage an otherwise good relationship). The thing is, another person can never ever "fulfill" us or make us whole, anyway. When I finally could live this way, it literally changed EVERYTHING for me regarding marriage (in the best way possible.)

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