|Photo by Melanie Mauer, Bryant Park, NYC|
It turns out, that before our first weekend together was over, I started to feel some fear seeping in…
Oh my. Yep. You guys – it happened. I mean, it was the ultimate act of vulnerability to meet in person for the first time…especially since we were already in love. YES, we had put our hearts out there completely by email. But in person, well – the stakes were higher. (I mean, I now knew that he really, really was the greatest guy I could ever dream up!! Oh man, how I wanted this to happen! Things could not have been going better.) And so…I started to feel a bit of panic. Would I be enough? I mean, there was no more editing an email. It was just me. He could see all of me. He could hear me speak, hear me laugh, see me brush my teeth, see my crazy bed head in the morning when I came out of my room. Was he still loving me the way I was still loving him? My well-practiced self-worth/peace, dismissing fear, etc. was down for a moment, and I knew it. Oh man. I wanted to dismiss that fear. I knew it would ruin our time together – and it may even ruin the close connection that we already had. I wanted so much to be my best self. And I knew exactly how to do it, as I had tapped into that many times before. (Remember these posts on vulnerability? I explain it all in three posts: 1, 2, 3.)
And so, that second night, when I went to my room, I prayed my heart out. Prayer for me is a time to re-align. It’s a few minutes where I deliberately try to shift my focus and get back to pursuing what matters to me most. I HAD TO GET RID OF THAT FEAR! I knew that dismissing the fear would require pursuing something better, in it’s place. And so…
I pursued love. Love for Danny. Love for him just as a kindred soul – not as a potential mate- not as someone I desperately needed in order to be fulfilled. I pursued love, just for the sake of loving…just because that’s the kind of woman I wanted to be. I didn’t want any ounce of fear to get in the way of what could be a wonderful friendship with Danny, even if things did not turn out the way I was hoping. And, I pursued love for my unborn kids. I always did that, and still do. That one gets me every time. I guess it helps me do hard things, in honor of them.
I pursued self-worth and reminded myself that I still would have worth and my life could still have meaning, even if this dream did not continue.
I pursued hope that even if I didn’t marry Danny, that there were wonderful men out there.
I pursued faith that no matter what, I was going to be OK.
I pursued gratitude. Gratitude for this wonderful man that had come into my life and brightened up my world brighter than it had ever been my entire life.
And, just as it always had worked in the past, pursuing these virtues changed me. That fear left me. Every bit of it uprooted.
|Photo by Melanie Mauer, Bryant Park, NYC|
The next morning, Danny was up early making me pancakes. Oh, those pancakes. This was before I was gluten-free. And Danny’s pancakes were the best I had ever had. AND, he made rasberry compote. Who does that?! He had been testing out his compote at home before coming. 🙂
And…I came into that kitchen that morning feeling different. Danny had an apron on (heaven!! oh my :). And as I said good morning and joined him, the fear was gone. I felt my best self. And um……you guys, Danny noticed it. He knew something was different. I was shocked! He actually said, “Something’s different :)” haha. Oh my. I was dying. Um, yes, I may have done a little something different. I was blushing. But I didn’t tell him. Not until later, at least.
But we carried on and had the greatest ending to the weekend. I savored every moment of being with him. I appreciated every second of being in the presence of this man who had the most loving nature I had ever seen. And I really had gotten myself to the place where that experience was enough. That experience of knowing him, being loved by him thus far, and experiencing what we thought was the greatest love story ever (ha!) was enough. I knew I would be OK if we didn’t marry- if he didn’t continue to feel the same spark and love that I was feeling. I knew I would be OK, even if I woke up the next day and it was all a dream- and even if I never had the chance to see him again.
And so, on that last day together, I decided to let him go. Meaning, I decided to be at peace, no matter what the outcome, to let things happen as it was meant to be. To surrender. Just as I had many, many times before. To let go of what my heart wanted oh so badly. I knew I had to separate myself from that anxiety in order to love him in the best way – in order to actually be the best version of myself; in order to give this the best chance at happening in the best way. And so, as the weekend came to an end, we said good-bye. I thanked him for the best experience of my life, for being the greatest man I had ever known. We shared love with each other. The real kind of love. And we were apart, just like that….not knowing exactly what would come next…
Have you ever had some fear or anxiety almost ruin something magical? Were you able to figure out how to put a stop to it?